Colossal Arachnid Annihilated!

SCENE I

I had home schooled the girls late into the day and I had sent the girls outside to get some exercise before dinner was served. I was just finishing up the final touches on our dinner when eight year-old Noelle came tearing into the house completely hysterical. You need to understand that Noelle only cries when she needs stitches or has broken a bone. She was unable to speak she was so freaked out. My first thought was that she was critically injured, so I frantically scanned all her limbs as she stammered, unable to speak. Seeing that everything was still attached, my next thought was that Katie, her eleven year old sister, must be seriously injured.

SCENE II

As I headed for the front door to locate Katie, I noticed the door was standing wide open. This alerted me again to the serious nature of the problem. We NEVER leave the door open because of the mosquitoes and the heat. I screamed at Noelle, "Where is Katie? Is she okay?" Instead of answering, as Noelle saw that I intended on exiting out the door, she became all the more hysterical. "Don't go out there!" she screeched back in a wobbly voice.

SCENE III

Upon hearing all the commotion, Eric rushed out of the study and reached us just as I, ignoring Noelle's pleas, passed through the front doorway. To my great confusion, Katie was a few yards in front of the door with a couple of friends, all of them smiling and clearly oblivious to any problems. At that moment, Eric, who was standing on the INSIDE of the doorway, very calmly, but very gravely instructed me, "Don't move. There is a HUGE spider." I immediately had visions of having passed through a low hanging spider web and I just knew that the mother of all spiders was on top of my head and would shortly be lowering itself down my face or thrusting it's mammoth teeth into the tender flesh of my neck. With every ounce of control I could muster, I VERY slowly started backing into the house as I calmly asked, "Where is it? and hissing, "Get it off!" As if talking too loudly or too excitedly might trigger an attack, Eric, stated, "Look down, it's on your left." As I looked to my left, I saw the biggest spider I have ever seen or even read about. Although the size of the arachnid was shocking, I was so relieved that it wasn't on my person.

SCENE IV

"We have got to get a picture of this for our blog!" I exclaimed, only to find Eric already with camera in hand. As we snapped pictures of the six-inch-long legged spider, we realized it would be impossible to tell its gargantuan size without something to give it perspective. I thought of the swell idea of putting some sticky tack on the back of a quarter and placing the quarter near the spider on the wall. I tried to get the quarter as close to the arachnid as I dared. Well, I guess I got too close for the spider's comfort and that spider jumped so far that it would make scenes in a horror movie look like a cartoon! I let out the loudest, most blood-curdling scream you have ever heard. Between the arachnid's humongous hurdle and my scream, Katie and her friends began screaming bloody murder and Noelle, completely lost it, running into the house crying and trying to find a safe place to hide. At that point, Eric, a bit agitated, warned that the neighbors were going to call the police! He'd had enough of the unruly arachnid and annihilated it with a nearby flipflop.

SCENE V

For the rest of the evening, the kids (and Eric), thought it was great fun to softly touch my hair, arms, legs, etc. and watch me jump in fear that the spouse of the deceased Arachnid was coming to seek revenge for the bludgeoning death of its mate. While they found great humor in this, I reflected on our "Creepy Encounters" to date: brown tree snakes, poisonous centipedes, Lion Fish (one of the most toxic fish in the world), scorpions, and herculean spiders. Had we uncovered all the horrors yet? Oughtn't they give missionaries a book with warnings and pictures of these horrible creatures ahead of time?!!!